I Confess

I confess: Sometimes I don’t learn from my mistakes, even when the stakes are high.

Last week, my great aunt, an occasional pen pal of mine, came to mind. I should send her a card to let her know I’m praying for her, I thought. But the urgency of daily tasks got in the way and I forgot. On way to church last Sunday, I received the news that she had passed away. I was so sad that the Holy Spirit had given me the nudge to reach out one last time and I had neglected to listen.

It would be one thing to have missed one opportunity, but this wasn’t the first time. In 2015, I was driving to work when a dear friend from college came to mind. I should call him and let him know I’m thinking about him, I thought. But it was early morning and I was tired and I chose to listen to music instead, eventually forgetting to call altogether. A few days later, I received the devastating news that he had gone for a run and died unexpectedly.

One would think that, after that experience, I would have learned to recognize the gentle prompting of the Holy Spirit. It’s not like He was asking me to do something hard. Reach out in a simple way to those I care about? Should have been a no-brainer. But I missed it, again, and now it’s too late, again.

I spent Sunday morning processing the grief not only of losing friends, but of the many daily ways I neglect to obey the Spirit’s promptings. When will I learn? I wondered as I walked into church. In that very moment, Pastor Brent was sharing from 1 John 1 that confession means we agree with God that we are sinful people who reap the wages of sin: death. My heart readily, painfully agreed.

I confessed to a trusted friend, and she helped me see God’s grace in my failure. Because confession doesn’t end with remorse, as if regret is some kind of currency we must pay to regain our righteous standing before God. We agree with God on our identity as sinners, yes, but we also agree with God that He loves, forgives, and saves sinners. “The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made” (Psalm 145:8-9).

No, confession does not end with us. Confession ends with Christ. God sent Jesus to deal with our sin and now He sees His repentant children through the lens of Jesus’ righteousness. And the most amazing thing? He does it all for love, the overflow of His own love that has nothing to do with how big or how often we mess up and everything to do with His own unchanging heart. God the Father and God the Son share the same heart: “Jesus does not love like us. We love until we are betrayed. Jesus continued to the cross despite betrayal. We love until we are forsaken. Jesus loved through forsakenness. We love up to a limit. Jesus loves to the end” (Dane Ortlund, Gentle & Lowly). To be restored to this heart is the great comfort of confession.

After going through the process of confession and restoration, I see my story from a more complete perspective. I see that God not only stood ready to forgive me; but in His wisdom, He also used my life for good even as I missed the mark. My college friend was an only child, so after his death, I wrote his parents a letter sharing special memories, how much he meant to me, and assurances of Christ’s salvation for him. And even though I didn’t write my great aunt a card, I prayed for her in the moment she came to mind. I had no idea I was helping to pray her through the journey from death to eternal life.

It’s not that the “good things” I did somehow canceled out the bad things; that’s Jesus’ job. I’ll always regret missing out on those last points of connection. But I take comfort in the fact that our gracious God allowed me to be a blessing even when I was too self-absorbed to reach out to my loved ones directly. He has forgiven me fully in Jesus, and He continues to speak to my heart, giving me more opportunities to hear and heed His voice. As King David writes in his own confession, “A broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:17).

“Confession is a balm of healing to our relationships with both God and man,” Pastor Brent said on Sunday, and I get it. I’ll still live with the consequences of my missed opportunities, but I’ll live as a beloved, free, righteous (and hopefully a little wiser) child of God, because the heart of God is to love, to rescue, and to restore, and confession keeps us close to His heart.

Scripture for meditation:

1 John 1:8-2:2

Psalm 51